Imagine that, say, Steven Soderbergh decided to turn Moneyball, Michael Lewis‘ mathematical masterpiece, into a Hollywood blockbuster. Imagine he decided to cast Brad Pitt as Billy Beane.
Terrible. Obviously, they should’ve chosen Matthew Settle. He doesn’t do much for the movie in terms of star power (I’m making the assumption that the targeted demographic for a sabermetrics movie doesn’t watch Gossip Girl), but the resemblance is uncanny. And we all know that’s the most important thing.
That’s what we’re here for: to cast all of Hollywood’s not-yet-conceptualized films about today’s superstar athletes. Or to just laugh at how easy it is to mistake Clay Buchholz for the guy who got tormented by Sean William Scott in Road Trip.
Check out the top 10 athletes who were separated at birth from their Hollywood brethren.
10. Rob Schneider and Shane Victorino
By the time someone in Los Angeles decides the Phillies are worth making a movie about (and they decide Victorino is an integral part of it), Schneider in his Big Daddy days will be the perfect choice.
9. B.J. Novak and Aaron Rodgers
Maybe they can switch places and see if anyone notices.
Actually, they wouldn’t want to do that. The Packers’ chances of winning wouldn’t change with Novak at quarterback, but The Office would really suffer.
8. Kevin Millar and Gary Valentine
Add 20 pounds (or maybe 30) and 10 years to Millar, and you’re one step away from Kevin James. And I’m sure the former Red Sox would be thrilled to hear that.
7. Michael Rappaport and Brian Scalabrine
Scal’s undeniably charming camara presence definitely warrants a movie. The guy can deliver a line like no other, and is there another huge, goofy redhead this perfect to play him?
6. Dave Grohl and Kyle Orton
In addition to sharing striking facial similarities, both look perpetually dirty and unkempt. At least Orton has an excuse.
5. Clay Buchholz and D.J. Qualls
This is one of those situations where you’ve spent the past three years saying, “God, Clay Buchholz reminds me of someone,” and then you see Road Trip on FX and it hits you. (FYI: Bruins backup goalie Tuukka Rask barely missed the cut to make this a Long Lost Triplets situation.)
4. George Clooney and Mike Lowell
People have fought me on on this one since the 2003 World Series, but the resemblance is uncanny. (Looks like we’ve found our lead for Still We Believe II.)
3. Daniel Bard and Napolean Dynamite (aka Jon Heder)
You say you love the idea of Jonathan Papelbon being Boston’s closer — until you realize you could be seeing Bard take the mound in the ninth at Fenway with this playing over the PA system instead of “Shipping Up to Boston.”
2. Mike Tomlin and Omar Epps
Hmm. It seems that Omar has been doubling as a football coach to do some research for his upcoming film. Love and … Football, perhaps?
1. Lurch from The Addams Family and Zdeno Chara
If that doesn’t scare you, nothing will. Not even the fact that I couldn’t find a Brewers Double-A pitcher who looked enough like Adam Lambert to warrant me sneaking him in here. Fortunately, we have Crazy New Mexico Soccer Chick, who shares his last name — and that is good enough.
As far as Chara goes, sure, drawing comparisons to an oversized house servant from The Addams Family isn’t what you’d necessarily want from your team’s captain. At the same time, do you know anyone who would want to drop the gloves with Lurch?
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