(Home team in caps.)
Carolina (+14.5) over PITTSBURGH
I think Pittsburgh wins this game, but a banged-up Ben Roethlisberger and the absence of Troy Polamalu makes me hesitate to think it'll be a blowout.
In other news, does anyone know how Carolina actually won a football game last week? Picking against the Panthers was kind of my thing this year.
Ridiculous Quote From Last Week's Picks: "The Panthers are really favored?"
Note: It seems as though every time I ask a rhetorical question, I get embarrassed.
Dallas (-7) over ARIZONA
The last time the Cardinals had a national spotlight, Derek Anderson was goofing around on the sidelines as the 49ers had their way with them. They've also given up 115 points more than they've scored this season. If you're new to the sport, neither of those things are conducive to winning.
KANSAS CITY (-5) over Tennessee
Who'd have thought we'd all be interested in the AFC West race in late December?
I'm taking Kansas City, because if you need two guys to win you a football game in December, Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel are the guys you need.
CHICAGO (-1) over New York Jets
I'll give Chicago the slightest edge on the basis of Mark Sanchez tearing some cartilage in his throwing shoulder. I have a feeling that kid would play through anything, though sometimes that would be to the team's detriment.
Just know that I have zero confidence in Jay Cutler.
Detroit (+3.5) over MIAMI
Last week, I pointed out that Miami was 1-4 against the spread as a home favorite. They're now 1-5. Let's hope for 1-6.
ST. LOUIS (-2) over San Francisco
I'm getting nauseous just thinking about this game. Let's move on.
Washington (+7) over JACKSONVILLE
I can't trust the Jaguars. Really. Can you?
RQFLWP: "As soon as you read the words 'Mike Shanahan considering starting Rex Grossman over Donovan McNabb,' it's time to run far, far away."
Note: Though it turned out to be false last week, I'll stand by this point.
New England (-8.5) over BUFFALO
The Patriots respond insanely well to losses, and though the final score said otherwise, last week was a loss.
RQFLWP: "With the way the Pats are playing, and with Matt Flynn lining up under center for Green Bay, you have to think a two-touchdown victory should come pretty easily for New England."
Note: Matt Flynn can play football — well, at least until the final minute, when he wets his pants and lets the clock run all the way down. But still, who knew?
Baltimore (-3.5) over CLEVELAND
Ray Lewis on Peyton Hillis: "A blind cat will find a meal once in a while."
OK then, Ray.
RQFLWP: "But let's see if Peyton Hillis can't shred that 26th-ranked rushing defense that allows 4.6 yards per carry. My money's on him."
Note: Fifty-nine yards later, you'll notice I have no money.
Houston (-3) over DENVER
Wow! This game is terrible. I literally could not make a logical decision on this one, so I just looked around the room for hints. Still nothing. Let's roll with … the team that has Andre Johnson. I guess.
Indianapolis (-3) over OAKLAND
As incredibly surprising as Oakland's 2010 run has been, you cannot go against Peyton Manning in a must-win game in the regular season.
San Diego (-7.5) over CINCINNATI
It's not that I believe the Chargers are a force all of a sudden. It's more that I believe the Bengals have no life. And the whole crybaby stuff from Chad Ochocinco this week, with him complaining that Marv Lewis threw him under the bus? That never ends well.
Seattle (+6) over TAMPA BAY
That has to be one demoralized locker room down there in Tampa. And now they have to compete with master motivator Pete Carroll? Tough draw.
New York Giants (+3) over GREEN BAY
Tough break for Aaron Rodgers, who has to make his return from a concussion against the team that knocks quarterbacks out of games seemingly every quarter.
PHILADELPHIA (-14) over Minnesota
So, uhh … did you see that fourth quarter last week?
ATLANTA (-2) over New Orleans
Matt Ryan is apparently indestructible at home. I can't explain or understand it, but I'll hop on board.
